The Top Ten Things I Love About Yaoi MST, by Irk.
>>The Top Ten Things I Love About Yaoi
FIRIA: "If I wanted an anatomy lesson, I certainly wouldn't go to a hentai writer for one." o0
IRK: "It's not that kind of list!"
XELLOSS: "Aww, now you've gone and depressed me." ;.;
>>by Jeanne
>>This is what I love about yaoi. Not what I think you should love about yaoi, because
>>there's all sorts of other things to love besides these.
XELLOSS: "No one loves a Yaoi Fascist."
IRK: Oo "Stop. You made me think of Axis Powers slash."
FIRIA: O_O
>>This is what /I/ love about yaoi as an insider,
IRK: "Does that mean she can advise me on stock?"
XELLOSS: "No, but I think she can advise you on a cock!" :D
FIRIA: ::WHAP::
>>as someone who likes and appreciates yaoi and reads the stuff in two languages
>>and writes it in one, at any rate.
FIRIA: "Nobody can criticize my bilingual superiority! Suck on my gay cock, inferior single-language peons!"
>>Technically, this could be "the top ten things I love about Western Yaoi,
>>Shounen-ai (sic, because no-one over here writes shounen-ai. The Chinese,
>>whom I can't read, do, but we don't),
IRK: "...Huh?"
FIRIA: "What the fucking mother-jamming in a bag blast off in a rocket into space and land on mars then anally rape it HELL?"
XELLOSS: "I understand it has something to do with Hong Kong Dong." o0
>>and Anime Slash fandom and how they write fanfic", but actually it's the stuff I like
>>about the Japanese version as well, because it's pretty much the same in both.
XELLOSS: "So the US/Japan Cock Conversion Rate is roughly 1/1 then. Good, I was worried about inflation."
IRK: "Inflation?" o0;;
XELLOSS: "Well, you see, there's a Swedish device that I saw in a catalouge..."
TF sign: "WARNING! The concentration of penis jokes in this MST will only get higher!"
>>#10 -- "Yaoi happens" aka Fan Empowerment.
FIRIA: "It is a political fan movement that is OF THE GAY!"
>>The mutual attraction of male character for male character, or even the one-sided
>>attraction of male c. for male c., is an arbitrary event.
IRK: "The Physics of Penile Hockey."
>> It's arbitrarily decided by guess who You the Almighty Fan, grabbing a little
>>power for once and no longer at the mercy of your mangaka's settei.
XELLOSS: "That's not another euphemism for penis, is it?" c_c
FIRIA: "Erectile Crayon!"
IRK: "The snobbier the fangirl, the less english they use."
FIRIA: "The Happiest Monolith!"
XELLOSS: "What, English isn't gay enough for them? Doesn't it have enough faggy penis slang in it to qualify?"
FIRIA: "Pocket Fisherman!"
>>You, being God, have decided that two characters would look good whispering
>>sweet nothings to each other, angsting for each other, having hot sex together.
IRK: "I always thought God did more important things with his time."
XELLOSS: "Like creating Nicole Kidman."
IRK: "Yeah."
>>So that's what you write. No explanations, no apologies. It just happens,
>>and it happens because you want it to happen.
IRK: "This sounds like a motivational seminar." o_O "Or that 'Who Moved My Cheese' book."
FIRIA: "Who Moved My Cock?!"
IRK: "If these girls had cock, this essay wouldn't exist."
>>You don't need an intrinsic justification from the canon text, naturally,
>>because yaoi has nothing to do with the canon characters
XELLOSS: "...aside from all the gay sex they're having?"
IRK: "No, see, it's a story about two characters the author doesn't own. Except they're gay. And they have lots of sex. But it's not about the characters. It's about the authoress' need for her own independent man-less fantasy."
XELLOSS: "It's a story with two characters having gay sex that has nothing to do with the characters or gay sex?"
IRK: "Yes, exactly."
XELLOSS: "Is this some sort of Zen?" oO
>>(see #9.) You don't need to provide a justification within your own text.
>>It's the Romeo and Juliet eyes meet across a crowded room followed by
>>'Oh, he doth teach the torches to burn bright,' followed by a bucket-load
>>of angst. Classic.
IRK: O_O "Somebody give me some fucking Cliff's Notes!"
>> If enough people do this with the same set of characters, you create an
>>actual fanon amongst you, parallel to and independent of the canon,
>>which you can go to for inspiration.
XELLOSS: "So the writing of gay sex fiction is just a rite to summon a lot of girls who like gay sex so they can turn to each other and gain support and meaning and then write more, better gay sex, feeding upon itself, becoming its own generator of gay until they become the UberCock?"
IRK: "That actually sounds kind of cool, but no."
XELLOSS: "...Will I need to drag the Kaballah into this?"
>>It's nice to be with friends, I agree- though you'd best beware lest people
>>then charge that your almighty fantasies aren't justified by the fanon.
ALL: "..."
IRK: "I would FEAR any fantasy that these girls couldn't justify." OO;
>>(shrug) Fantasies are born free and are everywhere in chains.
FIRIA: "I know why the caged cock sings!"
>>It's sad, because either all fantasies are justified or none are.
XELLOSS: "So to justify my fantasies of Lina wearing my clothing while hanging me upside down and basting me with lighter fluid, I must come to terms with a baby Jesus buttplug?"
>>#9 -- "A World Apart", aka Ignoring Canon Everythings
FIRIA: ""Fagapalooza", aka Cock Cock Cock."
>>I've said it before, but clearly it needs to be said again.
FIRIA [AUTHORESS]: "Give me more cockfiction, so that I may assemble the gayest cocktraption of all faggottry!"
>>Yaoi isn't about the characters having sex and romance. It's sexual and romantic
>>fantasies about the characters.
XELLOSS: "If a tree falls in the woods and nobody is there, will yaoi fangirls write gay stories about it?"
IRK: "The answer is YES."
>>These aren't the canon guys with their canon girlfriends, snarly habits,
>>touch phobias and refusal to say anything besides Korosuzo.
FIRIA: "This is MANHARD. Pure, gay, unadulterated MEATZUCHINNI, whole and untainted by reality or twat."
>>These are the canon characters put into a fantasy universe, where by definition
>>they screw guys, have long heart to hearts, reveal their innermost feelings,
>>get married, get pregnant, and do other stuff like that.
IRK: "This must be the Bizarro world of japanese culture."
FIRIA: "PREGNANT?"
IRK: "The time for discussing male pregnancy is later. For now, just keep making cock jokes."
XELLOSS: "Two men walk into a bar....but in the Bizarro world, they walk into a COCK!"
>>No point in criticizing the unlikeliness of all this.
XELLOSS: "That's like accusing ninjas of having real ultimate power. It just comes as a given."
>>It's the nature of the genre. That's what they *do* in this world.
IRK: "Bizarro Cockworld must have an entire moon devoted to condom manufacture." O_O
>>It's the exact equivalent of gag. Gag also puts the guys in another universe,
>>where they get take-out from the local Chinese restaurant, go bowling, produce
>>doujinshis, and pick up skee-balls from Chuckie Cheese. (That's a stunning gag
>>story, one of my favourites.)
IRK: "Quite stunning, eh?"
XELLOSS: "Let me adjust my monocle so that I may view this pinnacle of 'gag' fiction!"
>>Does anyone bother to raise loud-voiced objections that Hiiro is *not really* a
>>doujinshika- or a pussy-cat or a middle-school girl or a fashion model?
FIRIA: "Maybe they mean to, but their mouths are full of RIGID DOCKROPE!"
>>No. In the gag world, he is.
XELLOSS: "He's a doujinshi-writing cat-girl in middle school who models?"
IRK: "DO NOT QUESTION THE PLAUSIBILITY OF THE GAGFIC. IT IS IN THE NATURE OF THE GAGFIC TO NOT BE SCRUTINIZED."
XELLOSS: O.O
>>And in the yaoi world he's in love with Duo, end story, and nobody else gets
>>a look-in. Unless he's in love with Quatre...
XELLOSS: "And thus making alternate Bizarro universes for each pairing? What is this, the Schroedinger's Cock Theory?"
>>But what if you want to see the actual canon guys doing m/m sex and romance?
IRK: "That would require the ability to sketch a conceivable reality, implying depth and emotion through the written word."
XELLOSS: "Also you would have to think about more than cock."
IRK: "I guess they're doomed then."
>>Well, that one requires a trick with mirrors. You're making the canon guys
>>do what the canon guys would never do and trying to convince the reader
>>that it's still them. Good luck.
IRK [AUTHORESS]: "Besides, have you no imagination? In our vapid fantasy world, all your characters crave is cock! Our fanon is superior to your brain power!"
>>Make them talk like themselves, that's the best way, I find. He can be
>>feeling what he'd never feel ('Aishiteru, Duo'), but he can at least say
>>it like himself ('Omae dake korosanai.' Pause. 'Tabun, ne.')
FIRIA: "In space, no one can hear your characters fuck in English."
>>If the canon girlfriend bothers you that much, make your guys poly-sexual
>>and able to love more than one person at a time.
XELLOSS: "How will the men tolerate the sexual touch of Woman upon their pure cock essence?"
IRK: "Maybe if you give Relena a four-foot penis. It can happen...in Bizarro Cockworld."
>>Try not to kill the canon girlfriend off if you're only killing her off
>>to get rid of her. It's clumsy and obvious.
IRK: "No one could have anticipated that acid-spitting octopus made of crossbows set to hair-triggers and loaded with sharpened lit sticks of dynamite dropping right onto Relena's head.
>>(It's different if you have it in for the canon girlfriend. See #5, below.)
>>You're in the yaoi universe where canon doesn't matter, so why not just ignore her?
>>You think your guys don't screw on the side or fall in love with other people?
FIRIA: ::stares at XELLOSS:: T_T
XELLOSS: o.O "What? What did I do?"
FIRIA: T_T "I don't know, but these blue spandex briefs with 'FIBBY' on them certainly don't belong to ME."
XELLOSS: "I swear he was already dead before we met! I mean, I never met him! I mean, you...you can't prove it! It was just a fanfic! I was a minor! They never found the bodies!" OO
>>Not if they come from a shounen series, which I'm willing to bet they do.
FIRIA: "Fuck you, Miss Cleo."
>>But what if you want to read the canon characters doing m/m sex and romance
>>and everyone's writing A/U versions and it's driving you bonkers? Simple.
XELLOSS: "KILL THEM ALL."
>>In three words:
FIRIA: "Beaverspear. Also, mantenna."
>>write it yourself. If you want to see a certain kind of story and it's not
>> available, don't waste time complaining that it's not available-- go make
>>it available.
IRK: "Because anyone who can read a great story can also write a great story! It takes no effort, talent, or practice to be a skilled storyteller!"
>> Life is much more satisfying when you cease to be a passive
>>consumer and become an active producer.
IRK: "Writing is EASY! You never have dry periods where no inspiration comes and everything you write is crap! Ten-chapter epics pop out in no time!"
XELLOSS: "Hey, there's something on your shoulder there, Irk."
IRK: "Writing is painless and easy and quick. I'm sure you think the same things about childbirth."
XELLOSS: "It looks like a piece of cereal, or maybe a chip." oo
>>#8 -- "Which of them is the man? Neither", aka Beyond Gender
FIRIA: "Beyond gender there is only cock!"
>>Another one that we've been through and been through but must go
>>through again.
XELLOSS: "But enough about Mamoru's ass."
>>Are these guys real guys? Rarely if ever. Are they at least the
>>quasi-male guys of the canon? Rarely if ever. Then what are they?
FIRIA: "Cum-spattered sexpuppet delusions fed by the frenzy that occurs when angsty girls hunger for fleshy masthead but are unable to admit inadequacy in attracting COCK. The addle-brained vaginally-challenged authoresses' excuse to themself and others then appears in the form of fucking bad fanfiction."
IRK: oo "Preach it, sister."
>>Unreal fantasy characters that cater to the fantasies of (a majority of)
>>the female readers.
IRK: "I would like the stats proving that over 50% of CLAMP's female readers think Kamui should carry Fuuma's baby."
XELLOSS: "I share in your desire for these stats."
IRK: "I feel I should hurt that majority readership."
XELLOSS: "I also share your desire to harm large masses of people."
IRK: "We shall join and go on together in this quest of mass-murder." n_n
XELLOSS: "It will be a magical journey. A magical journey filled with butterflies and suffering." n_n
>>Psychological hermaphrodites aka Complete Human Beings.
ALL: "HELLO JENNIFER DIANNE REITZ."
>>Going by the simple numbers alone, women don't want to read about
>>real guys doing real guy things in the real guy way.
FIRIA: "Fuck off, Mel Gibson! You have no idea what women want!"
>>And why would they?
IRK: "I guess 'because they value a real-life relationship based on understanding and actually possess the ability to form one such relationship as opposed to the girls who are having Kenshin's two-headed catgirl baby every night in their dreams' is not an acceptable answer?"
>>You want that, turn on whatever men's talk show it is that tells
>>you guys feel more strongly about baseball than about relationships.
XELLOSS: "That's not true!"
IRK: "They feel quite passionate about nurses on trampolines!"
XELLOSS: "And B33R!"
>>Yabbut- these are m/m guys, gay guys, right, and so-- Wrong.
>>Gay guys think more about cock than about relationships, just
>>to judge by what they write.
XELLOSS: "Are all yaoi authoresses homophobic bigots?"
>>Not very many women want to think about cock first, last and mostly in-between.
IRK: "You seem to be doing a very good job of it."
>>Most women want to read a guy who thinks and acts in what strikes a woman
>>as a congenial fashion. That kind of guy will wind up thinking a lot like
>>a woman, acting a lot like a woman, and having sex a lot like a woman.
FIRIA: "Therefore most women are dykes!"
XELLOSS: OO "Firia, was that what you meant last night when you said that you felt something you'd never felt before?"
::BOOM::
IRK: O_O "Xelloss, where are you?! All I see is purple jelly!"
XELLOSS: [disembodied voice] "Firia, you hit me too hard again!"
>>He feels like one of us, but he's still a guy.
XELLOSS: [disembodied voice] "You just keep telling yourself that."
>>The question of just where along the spectrum of behaviours 'congenial' falls will vary
>>by who you are. Doubtless some women would rather read Hiiro eyeing the crotch of Duo's
>>peculiar trousers and estimating the size of their contents than Hiiro enraptured by Duo's
>>long braid and dreaming eyes.
IRK: "Actually, I'd like to not see Heero at all because I don't think he's very sexy. But it would be really cool to see him nailed to a wall while Zechs totally makes out with Dorothy." *_*
XELLOSS: "You're crazy. I'm not sleeping in the same room as you ever again."
IRK: "Turns you on too, huh?"
>>Most don't.
FIRIA: "Yes, authoress, crazy as it may seem the majority of women don't grease their sockets to homohomo butt humping. Also they do not want their vaginas to warp into vagina-like anuses while their clits grow into penises with the dexterity of stage magicians!"
>>The majority sets the tone of a genre, and that's the way it goes.
XELLOSS: "Meanwhile the downtrodden minority rallies for penile realism and less teen male pregnancy?"
IRK: "I wish real politics were this ludicrous."
>>Which is why you'll see more stories of Hiiro running his fingers through Duo's hair than of
>>Hiiro groping Duo's crotch.
IRK: "Shampooed into orgasm!"
>>#7 -- "Uke/ru means 'to receive'", aka Room for Watashi
XELLOSS: "Is Nihongo replacing French as the language of romance?"
IRK: "No, the random crazy fan japanese makes for a tighter-knit clique with less dangerous variety. How else can the poor girls keep themselves safe from any vestige of reality in their stories?"
>>Yaoi sex is penetration virtually by definition, just like m/f in real life.
XELLOSS: "You mean no blow jobs?" ;_;
IRK: "I guess it really IS just like m/f in real life!"
>>One set person gets penetrated, just like m/f in real life.
FIRIA: "*Someone's* never felt a tongue on their clit."
IRK: "This girl has never indulged in foreplay. She needs a good lesbian encounter."
XELLOSS: "Don't we all?"
>>One person gets a cock inside him, no question and very little discussion about it, and it's
>>the uke. That's the way it is.
XELLOSS: "Why is the sky blue? Because it's got a cock inside it. That's the way it is."
>>Your guys can argue who the uke's going to be, if you like, but once that salient point has
>>been decided it's on with the show.
IRK: "So THAT'S why Shabranigdu and Ceipheed started fighting!"
XELLOSS and FIRIA: "HEY!"
>>Is this real-life? No. Is it what gay men do? No.
XELLOSS: "...uh."
IRK: "I know. I, too, was astounded by the author's stunning grasp of the subtleties of male homosexuality."
>>Is it what yaoi men do? By and very large, yes.
XELLOSS: "Has she conducted studies on this?" o.o
IRK: "No, but remember that this author has her finger on the very pulse of North American and Japanese yaoi fandom!"
XELLOSS: "That finger is pretty sticky by now." oo;
>>(Mochiron reigai mo arimasu, the first sentence they taught us in Japanese language school
>>in Tokyo- Of course there are exceptions.)
FIRIA [AUTHOR]: "I am L33T J4P M45T3R and that makes all my sweeping assumptions right! Fuck you lesser Incomplete Human Beings! Now I must stop for I am sucking on a big cock GLORMPH URMPH GLARGH."
TF: O_O
FIRIA [AUTHOR]: "Bow to me, for I am Mistress of the Cock and my fantasies must be recognized or none are! COCK COCK REVOLUTION!!!"
>>Does it reproduce set heterosexual roles? You betcha. Isn't that a reason not to do it?
IRK: "Well, considering your obvious dissatisfaction with het sex life, I see no reason to try to build a perfect fantasy off of an imperfect model. Unless you have no ability whatsoever to think on your own and be creative."
>>No, precisely the opposite. It makes the sex and the sexual partners more familiar and
>>congenial (and titillating).
XELLOSS: [AUTHOR] "Ooh, staying closeminded and ignorant to the world around me turns me on! Please just suck my brains out so I can orgasm almost like I had a real penis!"
>>Gives a woman an identification point.
IRK: "So, now women are so unsexed and erotically distanced that the only thing they can identify with is a gay man's anus. That's just peachy."
XELLOSS: "Actually, a peach is another thing entire-"
FIRIA: *WHACK*
>>Allows her to feel along with the uke if so desired.
FIRIA: [AUTHOR] "Mmm, being anally raped is so erotic! I love imagining myself with a stony lover who never responds emotionally to anything and thinks of me only as a dick-sheath. My sexual heaven is truly full of my own semen."
>>And has the guy getting screwed in the bum, which a lot of us think is the hottest thing
>>there is.
XELLOSS: "You don't get out much."
>>#6 -- "Anus is Vagina", aka So His Body'll Act Like Watashi's, right?
ALL: O_O
XELLOSS: "This author's ANUS is her VAGINA?!"
FIRIA: "Bloody fuck! I'd hate to have HER periods!"
>>Mapping m/f roles onto two guys turns a lot of women on.
IRK: "What is 'a lot'? Like, ten? How do you know these things? ARE YOU A BUTT PSYCHIC? ARE YOU CLAIRANUSVOYANT?!"
>>Hence the fantasy sex also reproduces female physical sexual experience in a way that's
>>familiar and congenial to women.
IRK: "So...what you're saying is, women can't masturbate to anything but mentally skewed male/male buttromp?"
XELLOSS: "Boy, do *I* feel lucky to be a man right now! I can wank off to anything I want! Free to jerk! Free to jer-"
FIRIA: *CLONG* "Jerk." -_-
>>Doesn't *have* to, but often enough does. (Because it's a hot fantasy, to save people asking
>> again, and all fantasies are created equal.)
XELLOSS: "What does THAT mean? That women don't HAVE to grease up along with gay sex, but they do anyways?! Why are all fantasies created equal? Doesn't that mean that her yaoi is no sexier than anything else?! I can't understand anything! WHAT IS UP WITH THIS CHICK'S GRAMMAR?!??
IRK: "Xelloss, if you let it anger you, it might get you pregnant."
XELLOSS: OO;;
>>So we have two guys where one naturally gets fucked, wants to be fucked, derives his sexual
>> pleasure from being fucked, lubricates while he does it, and comes, several times, long
>>before his seme. It's a very pleasant way to have sex, and for many women it's the most
>>familiar way (bar the coming first part, maybe.)
XELLOSS: "Firia, is there anything I should know about our..."
FIRIA: *lifts mace* "Xelloss, if you start inferring things about our sex life from this essay, I'll shove this thing so hard into your crotch that your anatomy will be indistinguishable from its author's."
XELLOSS: oo "Yes Ma'am."
>>Naturally one wants one's beloved characters to share one's own happy moments.
XELLOSS: *muttering* "Unless you're Irk..."
IRK: "WHAT was that?!"
>>Are there yaoi ukes who need lube, cry in pain, bleed from the anus, and feel a little sore,
>> physically and emotionally, about it afterwards? There are indeed. I write them.
ALL: "..."
FIRIA: "Well, let me give you some fucking applause!"
TF sign: "YAY." T.T;
>> But I'm not writing realistic guys. I'm writing a variant on the standard seme x uke theme,
>>a little sprinkling of reality to heighten the romance.
IRK: "Anal bleeding is so *romantic*, and really realistic too!" :D
XELLOSS: "WHAT are you doing?" o.O;
IRK: "Cosplaying as one of her beta readers, I think."
>>There are many variants. That's another joy of yaoi. We are large. We contain multitudes.
IRK: "WE CONTAIN MANY VARIATIONS OF THE SAME DAMN STORY ONLY WITH DIFFERENT AMOUNTS OF ANUS BLOOD AND THAT MAKES QUOTING WALT WHITMAN OUT OF CONTEXT OKAY."
>>So what's the attraction of the 'male is quasi-female' model?
XELLOSS: "Gas mileage?"
>>Several I've already touched on, and there are probably more. It's an insertion point, no
>> pun intended, for the female reader.
XELLOSS: "Uh...Irk, is the female reader supposed to be the uke or the seme? And where does the male end up?"
IRK: "...in Hell, just like the rest of us."
>> It turns the guy from a guy into a human being. (gr)
IRK: "...by possessing him with a fangirl? But...fangirls aren't human!!" oo
>>It makes things nicer by us. Real men have lousy sex by female standards. Boring.
>>In-pump-out-sleep. Maybe wake up in ten minutes in-pump-out-sleep again, if they're
>> really young. What's the fun of experiencing that, in reality or as a reader?
IRK: "None. Try tentacles instead."
FIRIA: "Has this girl even HAD straight sex?"
IRK: "Why should she HAVE to? She's the almighty author, she knows everything!"
>>No, give the poor dears a female sexual response at least.
XELLOSS: "Give them a headache?"
FIRIA: *WHACK*
>>Let them have their fun the way we do it- long, protracted, repeated, focussing on
>>more than just the genital experience.
FIRIA: "Less genitals, more buttholes!"
XELLOSS: "Where is this non-genital experience she's talking about, and who's we?"
IRK: "Apparently she's part of the Women's Sexual Militia or something. And this girl can't write anything that hasn't got a cock somewhere in it."
XELLOSS: "Imagine if she wrote a cookbook."
FIRIA: "COCKBOOK!"
>>And you'll notice that we extend the same privileges to the seme as to the uke.
IRK: "...equal raping for one and all?" oo
XELLOSS: "Well, it's only fair."
>>Semes may take the 'male' role, but they still aren't guys having sex- or else all these
>> guys suffer from a pathological inability to achieve orgasm that may require medical
>> attention.
XELLOSS: "So we have a non-male male being raped and bleeding out of his anus while another non-male male is about to pop from semen blockage? This fantasy is fucked up."
IRK: "Don't talk like that! That's the kind of talk that almost let the Redcoats win!"
>>They can even talk perfectly rationally about totally unrelated matters right in the middle of sex-
XELLOSS: [HEERO] "Did I leave the gas on?"
>>none of what a gay man described as 'the firestorm in the brain' for them, poor sweeties.
>>They don't come, or if they do seem to come they're still hard afterwards and able to turn
>>the uke over to do it in a new position. They behave like us,
IRK: oO
XELLOSS: OO!
FIRIA: ..;
XELLOSS: ::edges away from FIRIA::
FIRIA: "Now, you KNOW that I don't-"
XELLOSS: "But, there was that one time that you-"
FIRIA: "That has NOTHING to do with this!"
>>and they behave the way I bet a lot of straight women wish their guys could.
XELLOSS: 00 ::hides::
FIRIA: "What is it NOW?!"
XELLOSS: "You're going to make me into an walking dildo that never has any fun!"
FIRIA: "That is NOT how I wish a man would behave!"
XELLOSS: "I knew it! You aren't really a straight girl! All those nights you were out with Lina, you weren't getting midnight snacks! Or they were 'midnight snacks' of another kind, I might say!"
FIRIA: ::WHACK:: "We have this same conversation every day." --;
>>Which makes the seme both a woman *and* a female fantasy of maleness at the same time.
>>Neat trick, huh?
IRK: "For your next act, will you don a coat made of steak and then seal yourself into a tank full of starving sharks who are also nazis?"
FIRIA: "Fuck. How does she escape?" Oo
IRK: "Who said anything about escaping?" nn
>>#5 -- "Venting", Aka Eat Death, Running Dog Stereotype of the Patriarchal Establishment
XELLOSS: "No hard feelings *here*..."
>>Why's there all that rape in yaoi, the newbies used to ask when this first hit the shores.
IRK: [NEWBIE] "Eww, this rape's getting me all sticky!"
>>Why's there all that rape in yaoi, I asked myself on first meeting the thing.
XELLOSS: "Last I checked, you were writing it."
>>There's a bunch of answers. It's not rape.
ALL: "Because he LOOOOOOOOOVES him."
FIRIA: *BARF*
>>Or, rape is hot.
IRK: "Mmm, hot saucy rape."
XELLOSS: "That's a spicy virgin meat-a-ball!"
>>Or, it's catharsis.
XELLOSS: "Hey Firia, how about I tie you down and take you seven ways from Seiruun till we achieve enlightenment?"
FIRIA: "But we do that all the ti- um."
IRK: O____O
FIRIA: --; "Turn the spotlights off and forget I'm alive."
>>You're doing awful things to your characters and enjoying every sadistic and/or masochistic
>>minute of it.
FIRIA & XELLOSS: ::glare at IRK:: T_T
IRK: "...what? I didn't do rape scenes with you two!"
XELLOSS: "No, you only did that to ME."
IRK: n_n;; "It stimulated the plot!"
XELLOSS: "When I want to stimulate my plot, I'll order it an espresso."
>>Ah yes- note that 'and/or' there.
XELLOSS: "WHAT? Does it denote that many dicks are interchangeable within Duo's ASS?"
>>What's the pleasure of torturing a character?
FIRIA & XELLOSS: ::glare at IRK:: "WELL?"
IRK: nn; "I do it for the tension and suspense combined with the relief that comes after the danger is past."
XELLOSS: "Are you SURE that's it?"
IRK: "Well, that and I like to make the beta readers squirm."
XELLOSS: nn "Good girl."
>>Inflicting pain on the hated Other? Or inflicting pain on the hated Self?
XELLOSS: "OOH! OOH! I know! MAYBE IT'S JUST PORN!!"
>>Mmm...
IRK: --; "She's revving up like a Duece while TYPING."
XELLOSS: "I feel dirty."
FIRIA: ::raises eyebrow::
XELLOSS: "Well, dirtiER."
>>The whole s/m thing in yaoi, *and* the abuse of the feminized uke, *and* the trashing of
>>female characters, is a really murky end of the world when you start diving below the
>>surface.
IRK: "Yeah, cuz the pool has jism in it."
>>In Japan where sex roles and behaviours and language are much more codified than over
>>here,
XELLOSS: "What, you can't comma-splice without a permit?"
>>I could see the tortured weepy uke in two lights.
IRK: "Yeah, but I can see the transgendered leather fetish league in Three Lights."
TX signs: "DEADLY PUN!"
>>One is as an epitome of Them, the guys, being made to act as We have to, a comedown for
>>Them right there.
IRK: "Yeah, you know how us women are always taking it up the ass like there's no tommorrow? THE TABLES ARE BEING TURNED SIR."
>>They have to suffer because of a role imposed from the outside- passive, forbidden to act,
>>weak- the way We do, except that the suffering is translated into physical as well as
>>psychological terms. And other times it looked like an expression of rage at the role itself.
XELLOSS: "I'm sure if the radical feminists had it all to do over, they'd stop publishing propaganda and picketing and rallying and just write gay rape stories. After all, gay rape is an appropriate form of protest for any occassion!"
IRK: "Let's hear it for Yaoi Lib, and progress!"
XELLOSS: "Progress and COCKS!"
>>Sweet loving weepy trusting stupid ideal 'female', now you get yours.
FIRIA: "In the ASS!"
>>In Japan you keep your feelings inside.
XELLOSS: "Also in Japan you masturbate to fourteen-year-old girls being tongued off by giant snails. I think this may throw a slight kink in your argument."
>>Even gaijin have an outward self that smiles and laughs politely and says the right things
>>and is never annoyed.
IRK: "Why'd you leave yours in Japan?"
>>You get to hate the system that requires this, and itch to vent all your unacceptable
>>feelings. Vent how?
XELLOSS: "Tentacle porn."
>>By focussing on the imposed ideal that dictates your external 'self' and doing horrible things
>>to her.
XELLOSS: "Yeah, that's what I said."
>>I don't like Miaka or Relena because she's what They think I should be, so now I'll
>>demonstrate what a toad she is and how They're just wrong wrong wrong.
IRK: "Strange how Miaka and Relena are both lead female roles in popular anime with heaps of cute men in them. Stranger how both of them are written in as the obvious love interest of the male leads. Stranger still how the typical woman is now either a spazzy glutton with a heart of gold or a pacifistic and naive diplomat."
XELLOSS: "They should be crushed, lest girls be less self-conscious about their eating or women be viewed as intelligent and tactful!"
>>Very healthy.
IRK: "So's sunlight. Is that an architectural feature of your parents' basement?"
>>If anime ever bothered to give us fully realized human beings who were females as well, we
>>wouldn't have to spit at the false images they set up for us to admire.
FIRIA: "WOULD YOU LIKE A REALISTIC PORTRAYAL OF FEMININITY? OKAY, MAKING YOU A SERIES FILLED WITH MEN WHO EAT DICK SIR."
IRK: "Weiss Kreuz? It's been done."
>>Does anyone ever trash Utena in order to get Touga and Saionji together?
IRK: "TOUGA AND SAIONJII HOP IN THE FUCKING CAR AND LAY EACH OTHER AND HAVE SEX TOGETHER WITH AKIO DURING THE ENTIRE LAST ARC. UTENA IS NOT IN THE WAY OF THEIR MEATY HUNGER. HOW DO YOU SAY THAT SHE IS AND STILL HAVE A BRAIN IN YOUR HEAD???"
XELLOSS: oo
IRK: "ALSO: Are real girls all masculine tomboys now? Does a woman have to carry a sword and kick ass to be strong? Or were Anshi's struggles against the Million Swords of Hate and her victory over her satanic brother just a little too wimpy for you?"
XELLOSS: "...issues?"
IRK: "I HAVE NO ISSUES, ONLY FISTS."
>>#4 -- "Jill shall Have Jill, Nought Shall Go Ill", aka Equal Time
FIRIA: ""Lesbians Make Everything Better", aka Copping Out for Carpet.
>>I admit I have a bias.
ALL: "...NAAAAW."
>>I'm gay.
IRK: "And here I thought you were just crazy."
>>I like yaoi because it presents what looks like heaven to a gay person.
XELLOSS: "A rather large bowl of cocks?"
>>Same sex and no second thoughts about it. Everyone naturally lusts after their own sex, and
>>the problem is Can I get him or not, not Am I gay for wanting him?
IRK: "Stupid reality with its stupid character development and personal growth and actual work and lack of self-lubricating anii."
>>That's the doujinshi world, for sure. The pro stuff may do angsty riffs on My family doesn't
>> approve or We can't ever get married, but it doesn't change the underlying message, that
>> same-sex is intrinsically good.
XELLOSS: "Hey! What's up with this true love shit? Where'd that huge steaming pile of rape go?"
IRK: "Somewhere private and well-ventilated so that yaoi-girl can rub off to it with impunity."
>>(The locus of true love and hot sex and personal satisfaction.)
XELLOSS: "I thought that was Sailor and the Seven Balls."
IRK: *BAP* "Do NOT say things like that without flashing hazard lights."
>>Now, the Japanese simply ignore canon het attachments, in line with #9 up there, or present
>>them as the jealous girlfriend burning because her pash has a new object of affection.
XELLOSS: "As opposed to burning because the fangirls have tied her to a stake and doused her in gasoline."
>>At times I admit it gets a little frustrating, that only the guys are allowed access to this
>>wonderful same-sex world of true love and hot sex, and the girls have to wander in the
>>wasteland of unrequited love or worse, hentai.
XELLOSS: "OH NO!"
IRK: "NOT...PORN!"
XELLOSS & IRK: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
>>So I think it very nice of westerners to give the women equal time.
IRK: "As American as apple pie."
FIRIA: "And carpet-munching."
>>Since same sex is good, we find a proper same sex partner for the girls so they can enjoy
>>themselves like the guys.
IRK: "...separate but equal. I see."
FIRIA: "Get in the back of the bus with the rest of the peach inspectors!"
>>Is the yuri partner arbitrary?
XELLOSS: "Do tiny women come on sticks for our personal enjoyment? In Japan and Bizarro Cockworld, YES!"
>> Of course. Just like the yaoi partners. Back to You the Almighty Fan ordering the world in
>>the way it should be.
IRK: "Like God, but with stickier fingers."
>>Satisfaction for everyone, and so, happily, to bed.
XELLOSS: "Okay, I'm with the author of this flaming bag of poo for once. Let's blow this joint! Then we can all proceed to the checkout line - ie: my lovepad."
IRK: o0 "You have a lovepad? You pimp!"
XELLOSS: "No honey, that comes later, after-" ::WHAM::
FIRIA: ::sheathes mace::
XELLOSS: x_x "Yes Ma'am."
IRK: "...you are NO FUN."
FIRIA: "Just keeping my hos in line." nn
>>#3 -- "Love, love, love, we found love" aka It's not only a fantasy, it's a romantic fantasy.
XELLOSS: ::keels over::
IRK: "...that was one mazoku-unsafe title." o0
>>You know Plato?
FIRIA: "Fucking RIGHT I know Plato!"
IRK: "Yeah, he strolls by every Friday and hangs with us cool kids. He's a swingin' hipster, that Plato."
>>You know Plato's doctrine of the Forms?
XELLOSS: "Of course! Ol' Doccy Forms comes round Tuesdays to have a drink with the Laws of Thermodynamics and the ineffable concept of Friendship."
IRK: "Really?"
XELLOSS: "Yup. And Friendship's a heavy drinker, lemme tell ya."
>>In Plato's doctrine of the Forms, what we see and feel and experience down here are
>>distorted reflections of the pure Form of the thing.
IRK: "This SI fanfic is but a flawed and imperfect imitation of the One True Mary Sue."
>>The cat asleep under the table is a bad imitation, an imperfect rendering, of the pure
>>form of Catness.
XELLOSS: "I've met the pure form of Catness."
IRK: "Really?"
XELLOSS: "Yeah. He's a rat bastard."
>>And the emotions are the same. Our everyday love, even at its best, is a debased and
>>obstructed and deformed parody of the pure Form of love.
XELLOSS: "But enough about your romantic endeavors...I mean FANFIC endeavors. Um. Sorry, just a flub."
IRK: "Riiiiiight."
XELLOSS: "No, really, I meant fanfic!"
IRK: "Mmm-hmm."
>>Yaoi however attempts to represent that pure Form of love- Aphrodite Urania, Plato
>>called it, the Heavenly Love.
IRK: [AUTHOR] "I can't think of a better way of expressing the Venus in Uranus than putting a penis in his anus."
XELLOSS: "You are a terrible, horrible person."
IRK: n-n
>>Yaoi love is pure in the sense that it's One- a seamless emotion, not the splintered and
>>divisive Many that love is here (part need, part egotism, part lust, part insecurity,
>> part selflessness.)
IRK: "You know, some turn to fanfic for fun. Some turn to it for evil. Others turn to it because it's the only thing they have."
FIRIA: "Jeanne needs some POON."
IRK: "Yeah."
>>It's certain. It's unchanging. It's absolute.
XELLOSS: "It's a dick."
>>It transcends other petty and fickle human emotions. Yer average yaoi guy suffereth long
>>and is kind, vaunteth not himself and is not puffed up (indeed- oh those insecure ukes...);
>>beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things, etc etc,
>>as St. Paul that closet Platonist put it.
IRK: ::breaks out a road map:: "I lost her at 'yer'. Do I make a left at 'insecure ukes'?"
XELLOSS: "No, there's some extreme blockage around those parentheses...and I see a bottleneck at 'hopeth'."
IRK: "I losteth hopeth long before we got this far."
>>It's not realistic at all, of course, but it's certainly inspiring. You know it's not like that
>>really, but it's a consolation at times to see a world where it can be like that.
IRK: ;.; "I left my heart in Bizarro Cockworld."
XELLOSS: "You'd best leave it. I'd imagine it's pretty sticky by now."
>>Trouble for us westerners, with our obsession with novelty, is that happy-happy-joy-joy
>>doesn't allow of much variation.
IRK: "At least your pretentious grammar allows for errors. A lot."
>>The Japanese are content to see the Tried and True, but westerners, in spite of lining up for
>>Friday the 13th part 39, have a cultural need for novelty and gripe when everything's
>>the same.
IRK: "How DARE we thirst for originality and standards?"
XELLOSS: "Wait. I thought anime was cool because it WAS different."
IRK: "Yeah, but what Jeanne is saying is that yaoi is beautiful because it's repetitive, and- wait. The coolest anime ARE the most original. And there are lots of original anime that obviously cater to the public's thirst for new things, so that would be a point against the author of this tripe, wouldn't it?"
XELLOSS: "Yup! Besides, if Jeanne were right, I wouldn't be the unique individual that I am!"
IRK: "Yeah, there would be, like, twelve more of you!"
TXs: oo;
>>Now me, I think it's just an error in our thinking. Much yaoi is doing exactly what much
>>porn does: hitting the right buttons in the right way to produce the right effect.
XELLOSS: "Possibly that is because YAOI IS PORN."
>>Porn too is repetitive and one-pattern; and if it's not addressing your exact kinks, it's
>>unreadable. If it is addressing your kinks, oddly enough it doesn't matter how repetitive it
>>is. The right words, the right actions, and bingo. Porn is a kind of technical writing,
>>and so is yaoi.
XELLOSS: "Did the author just prove that yaoi has no merit besides aiding masturbatory functions?"
IRK: "Yes. But I wonder what happened to the locus of true love."
XELLOSS: "Maybe it's in the kleenex?"
>>To criticize yaoi for having the same scenario always is a little like
>>criticizing the people who write labels for always saying 'Hold down and turn clockwise'
>>or 'Press here and lift up' on their instructions.
IRK: "Hold penis and turn clockwise?" o_o
XELLOSS: ::faints::
>>Useless to demand 'Tell me how to get the cap off a *different* way!!' Instructions and
yaoi are written in the way that works for most people.
IRK: "So you can only get off to one thing and one thing only? Damn. Your sex life must be dull."
>>And there's a third detail that needs addressing here.
IRK: "Yeah and- uh, Xelloss?" ::nudgenudge:: "Firia?" ::pokepoke::
FIRIA: "What the fuck do you -YAWN- want?"
IRK: "Were you asleep all this time?"
FIRIA: "After watching that many cocks jump over a fence, wouldn't you pass out too? See, Xelloss fell asleep!"
IRK: --;;; ::fishes around for smelling salts::
>>Fantasies are nothing if not personal.
IRK: "Yeah, like my fantasy of seeing Gaav and Dynast do Xelloss while he's chained to Milgasia in dragon form."
XELLOSS: ::HACKCHOKECOUGH:: "I'm awake! I'm awake!"
IRK: n-n
>>A reader isn't really necessary.
FIRIA: "Wait. If we have no reader, who's going to be the fluffer?"
TXs: ::push TF to the front::
TF: OO
>>You didn't want to hear that, did you? But it's a fact.
IRK: "Then why does an entire ff.net and LiveJournal/Blog culture exist solely on the basis that an author can get commentary from their readers? Perhaps it is because the majority of any writer culture lives on feedback and requires the criticism of its peers to function. Maybe you've never been on the internet before and haven't even blinked at a newsgroup. Or it could be that you're so self-absorbed that you lack any observation skills."
XELLOSS: "That chip is growing to graham-cracker proportions." oo
>>Yaoi is a personal fantasy, written primarily to satisfy the writer's kinks and those who
>>share those kinks. Like porn.
IRK: "But Todd forbid it be compared with hentai."
FIRIA: "Yeah, it's not like all three categories are simply massive clusterfucks of self-indulgency."
>>Other people can come and read it, no doubt, but if they don't share that kink, they might as
>>well go away again. The story isn't written for them.
XELLOSS: "So if it's just written for the author, why does she format and upload and post and advertise it and make webpages devoted to it?"
IRK: [AUTHOR] "Well, you see, the answer to that is HEY LOOK OVER THERE AS I DIVERT YOUR ATTENTION FROM THE OBVIOUS FLAWS IN MY LOGIC!!!"
>>Yaoi isn't like other fictional writing.
FIRIA: "Is that because it's GAY? No. That is because it is GAY and GAY and GAY."
>>It's a private vision written for personal satisfaction, and to apply the standards by which
>>we judge ordinary literature to yaoi is to willfully ignore this private element.
IRK: "So, what you're saying is, yaoi does not meet the standards of conventional literature. I'll go with that."
>>You can say 'Male pregnancy stories don't do it for me' if you like, but to say 'Male pregnancy
>>stories are stupid and childish and people should stop writing them' is
>>not only arrogant, it's dangerous.
XELLOSS: "Yeah, well I- MALE FUCKING PREGNANCY?!?"
IRK: "Ahh, here we are now at the event horizon of despair."
XELLOSS: "Back yourself up and explain unto me this masculine baby-making." T_T
>>All fantasies are legitimate or none are, and to discredit the male pregnancy fantasy is
>>automatically to discredit your own fantasy of mutual empowerment and non-penetrative
>>sex.
XELLOSS: "Out the ASS?" o.o
IRK: "Well, you saw how she said anus was vagina."
FIRIA: oo; "The poor baby."
XELLOSS: "What about, like, the complete and total abscence of uterii?"
IRK: "Once I read a fic where Duo's lower intestine was removed to make space."
FIRIA: "The fuck did he EAT?!"
IRK: "Juice."
>>As for trashing a fanwriter's style, it's like shooting the piano player. Chances are she's
>>doing the best she can.
XELLOSS: "Poorly. Anyways, what about cellular biology and genetics and DNA?"
IRK: "Who said these girls ever graduated high school?"
XELLOSS: "Their grammar certainly doesn't."
IRK: "Anyways, all of that stuff wouldn't apply to you."
XELLOSS: "WHAT?"
>> The only way you get to play the piano better is by playing the piano more.
IRK: "That's why you never play in public until you have something to show for it."
XELLOSS: "Hey, what was that about ME?"
IRK: "Well, being a mazoku, your body is just a shell. Biology isn't an issue with your system."
XELLOSS: "Oh, okay that's HEY WAIT A MINUTE."
>>And quite possibly she writes that way because she likes writing that way, typos and all,
>>and belongs to that huge group of people (of whom Word's Spell-check is one) who
>>really believe that its should be written it's on all occasions.
IRK: "Grammar is not a fairy. Clapping your hands will not make it better."
XELLOSS: ::grabs IRK by the shoulders:: "Are you giving me a uterus in your fanfics?!"
IRK: oo; "Uh, no. Why, do you want one?"
XELLOSS: "No."
IRK: oo "That's good. Can I have my shoulders back?"
>>#2 -- "But he's got nothing at all!!", aka No Cock is Good Cock
ALL: ::SILENCE::
XELLOSS: "Did I just read the word 'no' in front of 'cock'?"
IRK: ::squints:: "I think so...yes. Yes you did."
XELLOSS: "Hellmaster is going to have a massive heating bill this month."
>>Yeah well- sad fact is that one of the guys has to have a cock, so that anal sex can take
>>place.
XELLOSS: "..."
>>But you don't want a real cock, because real cocks are only fascinating to men (straight or
>>gay, if the truth be told) and most women have other bits of a guy they prefer to think
>>about.
XELLOSS: "Now, let it never be said that I did not appreciate the many gifts that lesbians have. Somehow, though, I highly doubt one of those gifts is that of Cock Inspector. I move to call this passage full of bovinial dung."
IRK: "I second the motion."
FIRIA: "Motion passed. THIS IS BULLSHIT."
>>Now if my theory that the seme is a woman is true, the seme's cock is necessarily a latex
>>strap-on, so it's no wonder if it's totally nerveless and always up. However I don't
>>think most yaoi authors think in those depressingly realistic terms.
XELLOSS: "Yes, I certainly wouldn't call yaoi depressingly realistic. In fact, I wouldn't put realistic and yaoi in the same sentence together unless I had already served yaoi a restraining order. Which I have."
IRK: "That male pregnancy thing got you a little nervous, I see."
XELLOSS: *mutters* "If Firia wants kids, she can make a nest and lay eggs..."
>>They prefer the aesthetic. In picture yaoi the seme's cock is an elegant affair, drawn in
>>simple lines to create a pleasing outline.
IRK: "You could say the same of the vaginas in japanese octopus/pearl diver porn of the 1800's. Also, I have seen scary penii drawings in japanese yaoi. I excommunicate this theory."
>>No toner or cross-hatching to suggest purplish skin and engorged veins etc.
XELLOSS: "Let us not speak in more detail of the cock, lest it give us testicular cooties."
>>And it can accommodate some really odd positions. In text yaoi the seme's cock is equally
>> sketchily described and accommodates some equally odd sexual acts. And the
>> reason for that is- need we say it again?-
FIRIA: "Because this entire essay is HEAVY SWINGING PENDULOUS FUCKING NUTS."
>>the seme as a person, and as a physical person, is a fantasy. It's a fantasy cock.
XELLOSS: "The seme is a fantasy cock?"
IRK: "Close enough."
>>It can do things real cocks can't (but fingers often enough can.)
TX sign#1: "Sticky keyboard!"
TX sign#2: "Sticky mouse!"
TX sign#3: "One hand scrolls."
TX sign#4: "The other hand clicks!" nn
>>It's the ideal sex organ. It can ram or it can tickle. It can pierce through to the bowels or
>>coyly play about the entrance.
XELLOSS: *cry*
IRK: "Was it really that bad with Gaav?"
XELLOSS: T.T "Shut up."
>>It's bloody *flexible*-- it bends.
FIRIA: "Xelloss, you never told me-"
XELLOSS: ;.; "Firia! I'm a mazoku, not a Roto-Rooter!"
>>What's the use of fantasizing sex if you can't fantasize it with the ultimate sex toy, hmm?
XELLOSS: "It makes real sex a let-down if you get psychologically dependent on the impossible."
IRK: "She doesn't have to worry about that."
XELLOSS: "With me around, neither does Firia." n-n
FIRIA: ::WHACK::
>>#1 -- "AISHITERU!" aka Fantasy
XELLOSS: x_x "Couldn't we just do angst and leave it at that?"
>>Fantasy. Fantasy. He loves and he says so.
IRK: "Who, the seme? I thought he was icy and cold and stony. Oh, WAIT, I'm sorry, that was a different paragraph so it doesn't count! Carry on!"
>>Doesn't buy his loved one a vacuum cleaner as a sign of his affections, or season's tickets
>> to the football game.
IRK: "Xelloss, what DO you buy Firia as a sign of your affections?"
XELLOSS: "More chains." n.n
>>Doesn't say 'Why do you keep asking if I love you? Of course I do. Now shut up.'
IRK: "Actually, that sounds EXACTLY like one of Heero's lines."
XELLOSS: "It's missing the random gunfire and self-detonation."
>>Doesn't think that getting regular sex is *just* worth the pain of having to listen to
>> Regular Sex Provider's conversation at breakfast.
XELLOSS: "That's an unfair allegation. No amount of sex could make me put up with this author in the morning or any other time."
>>Doesn't believe in the 500 Mile Rule- if he screws someone more than 500 miles away
>> from home, it doesn't count.
IRK: "And you thought *I* had a chip on my shoulder..."
XELLOSS: "It's really more of a sandwich now."
>>He takes love seriously. He takes connection seriously.
IRK: "The great L-sama forbid that we should ever make light of a 14-baud modem."
>>He takes fidelity seriously, even when he's being unfaithful.
XELLOSS: "Yes, even as I swing this fragile Ming vase around on a tether in a pen full of angry bulls while wearing red from head to toe, I am taking its value very seriously!"
>>He has feelings and he takes them seriously even when he's lying to himself that he
>> doesn't have feelings.
FIRIA: nn ::cuddles up to XELLOSS:: "And isn't it so cute when he gets obstinate about that fact when you point it out?"
XELLOSS: "HEY! What the HELL does this have to do with ME?!"
FIRIA: n-n "See?"
>>And the universe justifies the way he feels, because that's the way the universe is
>>constructed.
IRK: "That's because the universe of Bizarro Cockworld is molecularly composed of ATOMIC COCK."
XELLOSS: oO "Is there also a pair of electron testicles?"
IRK: "YES."
>>In yaoi it's love that moves the sun and other stars.
XELLOSS: X_X
>>It's wonderful.
XELLOSS: *BARF*
>>Note:
XELLOSS: "Where do we keep the Pepto Abysmal?" xx
TX: ::hands him two pink tablets::
XELLOSS: ::chews, swallows, burps up a little pink wand with a heart on it:: "I feel better now." ._.
IRK: ::peers at the wand:: "This is Chibi-Usa's rod from the 3rd Season of Sailor Moon." oo
XELLOSS: "Well, all that sugary happy love shit had to consolidate into SOMETHING."
IRK: ::tucks it away for later Ebay ventures::
>>People ask what's the difference between slash and yaoi.
IRK: "Well, I can see how that would be a difficult question to answer."
XELLOSS: "Why? What IS the difference?"
IRK: "Absolutely nothing." T.T
>>For a brief demonstration, go read this.
XELLOSS: "'This'? What's 'this'?"
IRK: "'This' is a well-thought out article about another author's top ten reasons that they didn't like yaoi. This author read it, then wrote what we're msting in retaliation for someone daring to have an opinion other than hers."
XELLOSS: "...I see."
IRK: "She also ripped off the points and reversed them, and pretty much plagiarised the format. So what we're msting is like a parody of the other author, but also it is serious because it contains honest opinions. And she posted it in a fanzine."
XELLOSS: "I, uh...wha?"
IRK: "It hurts, doesn't it?"
XELLOSS: "Yes. Can you run it by me again?"
IRK: "NO."
>> The writer doesn't know it, but what the writer doesn't like about yaoi is that it's not
>>slash. The things she valorizes- strict canonicity, realism, accuracy, thorough research-
>>are the things slash theorists have valorized for decades. The things she decries-
>>ignoring canon, physical unreality, repetitiveness, and arbitrarily doing just as you please
>>with the characters- are the things slash theorists have decried for just as long. And still
>>do, whatever their ages. I think it's an innate bias, one way or the other. There are those who
>>have the spiritus naturaliter slash, with a set of values that make slash congenial and yaoi
>>irritating; and those with the spiritus naturaliter yaoi, that make yaoi congenial and
>>slash seem restrictive.
XELLOSS: "Wait, what? I don't understand! Is this a research paper?"
IRK: "It's just bullshit, Xelloss. It's always been bullshit."
XELLOSS: "...Oh. You should have said that in the beginning then, Irk."
IRK: ::facepalms::
>>In the best of all possible worlds, the slashers' more sensible and rational approach would
>>serve to ground some of the airy-fairinesss of the yaoistas; and the yaoistas' good-humour
>>and playfulness would take some of the puritan starch out of the slashers.
XELLOSS: "So, I, uh...wait..."
FIRIA: "What it says is that the pilgrims were FUCKING FAGS."
XELLOSS: "Oh! Okay!" nn
IRK: "I bet pilgrimslash exists too..." xx;
>> This is not the best of all possible worlds, but I'm a yaoista and I like fantasy, so I'll
>>cherish the fantasy of a world of mutual tolerance, and refrain from reading the rant
>>sections on slashers' webpages.
XELLOSS: "So she wrote an anti-rant about how it's not nice to write an anti-rant?"
IRK: "She wrote a pro-rant with anti-rant points embedded in it about how it's not nice to write anti-rants, and fapped herself silly while doing so. I think. Fuck, I don't know. This essay killed my brain and yours as well."
XELLOSS: "Oh no, mazoku not brain kill eat a peach."
IRK: "Exactly my point."
FIRIA: "So, if I fuck Xelloss after this, will I knock him up?"
TX signs: "Yay! Siblings!"
TF: o0
[This MST was written without the permission of the original story's author. Slayers and its characters are the property of those that own them. And your brain is mine. I keep it in a bucket.]
(The locus of true love and hot sex and personal satisfaction.)